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Like many of you out there, the year of Covid wasn’t great for my body, or my mindset towards my outer self.
I take pride in being a healthy gal. I’ve done just about “all the things” out there when it comes to diet/eating fads- Paleo, Primal, Atkins, starvation, macro tracking, intermittent fasting, cabbage soup (yeah, that was a thing)…just to name a few. After the excitement wore off and the non-sustainability of each one revealed themselves , I finally came to believe that intuitive eating was best for me and my lifestyle. Eat as well as I can when I am hungry and stop when I’m not. Listen to what my body needs and wants and give it that.
As for activity, working out and being active is part of me- it’s never felt like a chore. Rather, I need it for my mental, emotional, and of course physical well-being.
Enter 2020.
“Intuitive eating” became untrustworthy. Quarantine brought on old habits of opening the pantry door more than usual. A glass of wine (or 3) became much more regularly occurring than just the weekend treat. Then came summertime with all the late evenings and adventures…my super active lifestyle lends me to justify certain food and drink choices and I gave into that full tilt this past summer.
My level of activity increased, but my attentiveness to my own internal health was suffering. That whole, “you can’t workout a bad diet” is the truth. One that only becomes more solidified with aging.
This fall I started to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. All the signs of my poor choices were there- avoiding mirrors, ensuring photos were taken from above, and tight clothes. I know that when my yoga pants start feeling more constricting than normal, it’s time to check myself.
I tend to minimize this lifelong challenge a lot of the time because it honestly just feels so petty. Trivial. Very much a “first-world” problem, i.e. not really a problem. However, I know SO many others, mostly women, who fight this battle with themselves every day. I’ve learned that vulnerability creates connection like nothing else can, and so I’ve decided to be honest with myself and those around me when it comes to my own issues with it in an effort to bring it all to light. Light drowns out darkness, and I’m all about more of that.
A friend of mine announced via social media that she had just become certified to coach an online program and because I trust her, I expressed interest and then signed up. The timing was perfect (pre-holidays) and the foundation/beliefs of the program seemed solid and something I could stand behind. It was the culmination of many things I’ve tried before but with a different approach- I was going to learn the why behind it all instead of just blindly following the crowd.
And it was just 6 weeks, so great, I can do anything for 6 weeks! Go into Christmas looking better? Heck yeah!
My Type-A personality kicked in once I signed up. Giving my 100% once I say yes to something is just part of who I am. There ain’t no half-ass in me. Part of me will always be that “star student”, and while likely annoying to some, it’s who I am and I’ve come to be ok with it, as long as it’s paired with true honesty (something I’ve learned along the way).
I approached this program with that mindset, and almost immediately felt better because after months of no boundaries, I felt more in control of my health than I had all year.
I faithfully did everything asked of me. When I set my goal on day 1, it was to “feel better in my own skin” and as the 6 weeks stretched on, I could actually feel myself FEELING better. Feeling like my clothes fit better. Feeling more confident. Sleeping better. I was positive about my health and food in a way that I hadn’t experienced…well, ever!
Then came yesterday.
Yesterday was a tough day. I did my measurements and took photos to compare them with my before measurements and photos. I lost a total of 6″ cumulatively from the ones I took at the beginning of November. Yeah ok, whatever.
That should have made me proud, but it didn’t because I was in such a hurry to take the pictures. I wanted to visually SEE the difference that I felt inside. I excitedly paired the photos side-by-side and to be honest, I saw NO difference from the ones I took 6 weeks ago. None. I even somehow saw them as “worse”. That I actually looked better 6 weeks ago.
Yes, the lighting in my basement where I snapped the photos highlights every single flaw. Yes, I struggle to look at a photo of myself in just a bra and underwear. Yes, I am critical. But I was also discouraged. I took multiple pictures, hoping that it was just the angle. I turned lights on and off trying to see if I could get something more flattering.
I couldn’t.
WTF?! Commence spiral into despair.
I sat on my basement floor, shoulders hunched, with that internal negative dialogue whisper turning into a condescending shout. Minus a few glasses of wine on a Saturday, Thanksgiving dinner, and a few extra bites of peanut butter (my kryptonite), I have faithfully followed the plan the last 6 weeks. I’ve participated in every workout. I’ve done “all the things”.
But there those damned pictures sat on my phone, stealing every ounce of pride and accomplishment that I’ve felt in these past few weeks.
Sigh.
But then, something happened.
I used my own voice to silence that negative shouting in my head. I turned back a few pages in my journal and saw what I had clearly written 6 week prior. I spoke truth into the lies by remembering my goal.
From day 1, I wanted to FEEL BETTER in my own skin.
Minus the morning’s disappointment, I have said to myself, to my husband, my family/friends, my coach and fellow program participants over and over again how happy I am to FEEL better recently. #win
My goal wasn’t to go from “soft Dawn” to “supermodel Dawn” in 6 weeks. Hello unattainable! And even if magically that happened (and that would be ok by me!), I know it would only satisfy me temporarily.
Our society tells me I need to look a certain way to fit in, to be healthy, to be fit. From day 1 we look at magazine covers and now social media photos of what we’re to aspire to. Well lemme tell ya, NO one goes from soft to perfection in 6 weeks.
And what is perfection anyways?
Total BS. That’s what it is.
Thankfully, the program I chose values and tells me progress over perfection. Can I get a hell yes on that?!
More importantly, I also know in my heart that these pictures, the number on the scale, and even the way others see me is NOT what defines me. I believe that my Creator, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ defines who I am. He loves me just the way I am. He knows my heart. I have such an unshakeable confidence in that truth and because of that, I can live in gratitude daily- for my body, my salvation, my health, my blessings, and my faith.
Whether or not you share this same belief, it is so important to know what or who defines you. To speak that truth into existence. If you don’t, you will inevitably allow someone or something else to do that for you.
My health journey is just that, a journey, a trek. Like most trips, it’s one of ups and downs that I’ll likely be on my entire life. But unlike other journeys, this is one without a destination.
I am finally learning how to be at peace with that.
Yesterday morning’s mindset switch is a huge breakthrough, and one that I will have to return to time and time again. And that’s ok.
Progress over perfection.
Joy over criticism.
Gratitude over disappointment.
Yes, please.
For additional information on the program I refer to (and am still using!), check out Faster Way To Fat Loss.