Have you ever said or thought those words? I definitely have…multiple times. I’ve been disappointed when things and/or people don’t look, feel like, or turn out the way I “thought” they would.
Where does that “thought” come from?
Expectations.
Dang those expectations.
Most recently, my little sweet pup was diagnosed with something no dog owner wants to hear- hip dysplasia. When you have had your dog just over a year and have hiked over 1000 miles with him and have so many future hopes and plans for more of that, this news is devastating.
Tears. Anger. Sadness. Disappointment. Frustration. A lot of “this isn’t fair” thoughts…yep, I’ve done and thought and experienced all that in the last few weeks. In addition to that, I’ve felt shame over being so upset about an animal.
This isn’t the way I thought it would be when I said yes to getting a dog last year.
Becoming a stepparent at 30 years old was an eye opening experience.
It showed me very quickly that my new relationship wasn’t all about the two of us. Rather, I had 2 teenagers that needed love, guidance, encouragement, attention, and boundaries. While I was googlely-eyed over my new husband, one of my step kids was moving into our house the same week we got married. Reality check!
Enter all the things that come with a high schooler being in your home. The honeymoon stage took a backseat to being a present and available stepmom. I have zero regrets over this but lemme tell ya, I had some challenges that I couldn’t have ever imagined at a fairly young and inexperience age.
Screaming into my pillow. Tears. Shame. Sadness. Disappointment. A lot of “this isn’t fair” thoughts. Yep…all of that. I am not ashamed to admit I have had moments where I have felt so completed unequipped and unprepared to be in my role that I didn’t know how I could move forward. But somehow here I am, still standing!
This wasn’t the way I thought it would be when I signed up to be a stepparent.
By the grace of God, I have and am learning that this IS life- a series of challenges and events that I must navigate my way through. I can either choose to give up, stay in bed in my sweatpants and refuse to come out (trust me, I’ve been there!). Or, I can take one minute at a time, one small decision at a time…because sometimes a whole day is just too overwhelming to face.
I can admit to friends and family that I’m not ok. That I need help. A listening ear. A hike where we don’t talk about anything serious and just enjoy the moment. I can cry. I can pray, finding gratitude in every blessing that I have (because they’re everywhere) and focus on what I do have, letting go of the things and people I wish were different.
Letting go of what I thought something or someone would be is what builds character. Endurance. Humble strength. The ability to relate to others who are struggling in an empathetic and meaningful way. Perspective. Appreciation. A peace that surpasses all understanding.
This isn’t the way I thought it would be.
But maybe it’s exactly the way it needs to be.