What is happening right now isn’t simple. It’s complex. It’s scary. It’s hard. It’s lonely. It has changed everything. It has affected everyone, in one way or another. Since we are all individuals we are all affected in individual ways, which means we are also all handling this differently.
And that is ok.
My worries. concerns, and struggles are much different than my friend who owns a small business that was forced to close or has taken a huge financial hit. Or my sister who is a hair stylist. Or my stepson who is in college. Or my friends and family who are in the medical field. Or my local grocery store clerk.
I’ve heard it described as “going through the same storm, but in different boats”, and I certainly believe this to be true.
I wonder, though, if any of you can relate to one of the mental hurdles I’ve been attempting to clear as I journey through the COVID-19 storm in my boat.
I have struggled with a recurring thought that often starts with, “I should ___.”
I should build and perfect the business I’ve been working on.
I should tune up my diet.
I should begin every day with stretching or meditation.
I should meal plan and prep every week.
I should figure out a way to contribute to a cause.
I should read more.
I should be able to cook dinner every night without complaint.
I should write a blog post.
I should feel _____
I should.
I should.
I should.
Yep, I’ve “shoulded” all over myself and most of the time, it leaves me feeling guilty and less than. Inadequate. Scrolling through social media or the news and coming up depressed and anxious. Lonely. Even angry at times.
Should isn’t always a negative; it can be the catalyst for motivation and change. But it has to be rooted in a conscious choice. For example, if I want to build up my savings account, there are changes I “should” make regarding my expenditures. That internal prompting regarding what I “should and shouldn’t” be purchasing can help me attain my goal, which is based on, again, a conscious choice.
However, when those “shoulds” aren’t based on a personal choice, but rather on what others think of me, or an outside expectation, “should” becomes a burden, and it isn’t mine to carry. After going down the “I’m not doing enough” path for awhile, when I’m aware I’m wandering aimlessly on it, I try to do the following:
- I stop. I mindfully notice where my thoughts are taking me and I stop the train. I observe, judgement-free.
- I looked at my life and the decisions I have made that have placed me where I am right now; these decisions have been jointly made with my husband and are based on what we believe is best for our family. We are solid in them. We are at peace with them.
- I remind myself of this.
- I tell myself that I am exactly where I need to be right now.
- I pray, asking for the strength to let go.
- I get outside, where I remember that nature and its Creator’s wisdom is much bigger than me. It tells me I’m in the exact right place, and to stop and take notice of the beauty and the blessings all around me.
- I then repeat this process the next time I inevitably feel those feelings creep back in.
This allows me to move forward, leaving the bull “should” behind me. I return to things I’ve written to remind myself of this. I speak with my trusted family and friends. I express my thoughts to my husband. I write.
A popular phrase right now is “living my best life”. What does that even mean? “Should” we all be out there attempting to do this? It feels a little unattainable, especially when most of our choices are pretty limited, especially if you’re still in one of the states asking folks to stay home.
However, that implies that your “best life” is purely circumstantial, and when things are on the up and up, there we are, “living our best lives”. I say no to that. I don’t want my life to be defined by my circumstances. I say yes to “living my chosen life”, though. It gives me more ownership, and while sometimes circumstances aren’t ideal, I know I can decide what “should” I’m going to allow time and space in my life.
This isn’t easy. It’s a process and a practice; a constant repetition of realizing, remembering, and redirecting. Freeing myself from the expectations outside of me has allowed me to find just that…true freedom. In freedom I can access joy- the kind that is based on more than just a fleeting emotion.
And isn’t that exactly what we could all use more of right now?